I am in love...with the concept of love.

After all, what is there in life to live for if not for love?

I have been sitting here for days on end, day dreaming, and relishing in the unhealthiness of what could be while the world passes me by. And yet, I continue to live in my little world of longing and waiting and wishing for that connection and deep fulfilled desire to come my way.

I can't help but daydream. I am all I have. My developed mind, scarred up heart, and pleading thoughts are what I pride myself on and find worth in. My friends are irreplaceable, but I can't help but run back inside to where I see how complex I am. Because how could someone other than a lover or close family member see that light? How can you shine when the person can't even see the light inside?

I'm craving creativity. By not writing, singing, playing guitar, or doing photography, I feel that I'm wasting away. Like I have so much inside that I could do, but none of it ever comes out. Because when pen reaches paper, finger reaches nylon string, or sound reaches lips, it all fades. It cracks, curdles and disappears before any of the beauty I saw inside can be released.

There is this wonderful, beauteous utopia living in my mind, bursting with life and love, ready to come out at a single touch. And yet that touch is at bay, and the utopia ripens and ripens to the point that I fear it may rot.

Could you see in my mind? Can you possibly know me? And can I possibly know someone? I need that connection, that deep vulnerability and trust beyond belief. A trust that you can't hold anything back or turn back at any moment because you have given yourself. It is the most terrifying thing I can imagine and yet the only thing that makes sense.

Without that plunge, why climb this ladder of life? Without that possible fall from the cliff, why would you climb the mountain? I've been trekking this mountain of life for 18 years now, and I'm getting pretty close to the top. I want to stand on the ledge and feel one person holding me up--one person between me and the vast expanse beyond. Love.

Oh well, back to waiting. And studying.